The Dodgers' Steve Lyons Is The Worst Announcer In Baseball.

Particularly now that Joe Morgan is out of the announcing game. And hey, at least Morgan was an all-time great, and either the best or second-best second baseman ever. Lyons was, shall we say, less than terribly atrocious.

Here's what Lyons is most well-known for: not his announcing, not his baseball insights, not his witty commentary, but this display of hilarious ineptitude. Thanks to Chad for the .gif:

It's not just that Lyons was an atrocious player: a .301 OBP, .286 wOBA, and 3.1 career WAR will take care of anyone's potential legacy. It's that he doesn't even realize what makes a good baseball player today. Clearly, he's not the venerable Vin Scully, but he's so bad he's dragged down whatever potential Eric Collins once possessed.

He has a complete misunderstanding of on-base percentage and its value and places far too much importance on RBIs while failing to see that statistic's irrelevancy and the connection between that and OBP. He also clearly has failed to master the art of fact-checking, or getting someone more knowledgeable than he to carry out that simple task for him.

When I first penned my ode to Lyons' stupidity back on August 28th of 2009, here is some of what I wrote about Lyons and his belief that HRs are "rally killers":

Why? I'll tell you why, because that's baseball to the old-school, gritty, against statistics, pants-dropping, racially-insensitive* Steve Lyons: playing the game illogically because you can't comprehend the correct way to play.

But, if we're being honest, guys like Babe Ruth (good thing he pitched regularly/semi-regularly for 6 years, saved him from absolutely demolishing about 100 rallies) and Hank Aaron and Barry Bonds were really assholes, pure, selfish assholes, with all those rallies they killed. Jerks.

Steve Lyons, the epitome of not killing rallies! 19 career HRs, but 100 doubles. That's how you keep rallies alive and get that oh so beautiful career OPS+ of 77. 77! What an offensive dynamo. And I'll go out on a limb and surmise he also believes walks clog the bases.

The man is so out of touch that he even suggested a player of the stature of Albert Pujols - you know, one of the ten greatest players to ever step on the diamond - needed to be signed because the previous face of the franchise was close to croaking at the time of his comments. As opposed to, you know, him being a phenomenal player and one of the ten greatest ever.

Lyons makes me want to watch the game with the mute button on and broken off of my remote so I can't even possibly turn the sound back on. He makes a sea of vuvuzelas sound like serene ocean noises, a symphony of great classical music, or a beautiful serenade. When Lyons opens his mouth, I think gun, brain, bliss.

Carlos Santana, As A Dodger, On Cardboard. Oy Vey, What Could've Been.

I wish I could go back in time just to stop Ned Colletti from dealing Carlos Santana.

7/26/2008. Never Forget. I'm working on a nice rainbow of Santana's 2008 Bowman Chrome RC. The above XFractor is #'d 208/250 and was had for $6.99 delivered.

Above is a Refractor numbered 430/500.

And last but not least is the simple base card.

When I Bought This Card, Half Of The Players WERE NOT Dodgers. Oh Look, It's My 200th Kemp!

Matt Kemp cards are getting pricey, so when an affordable one is available, I can't jump on it quickly enough. This particular addition brought along a few friends that are new to my collection and otherwise wouldn't be in it if they weren't sharing a card with The Bison. Oh, it also happens to be my 200th Kemp!

Shane Victorino is a guy I don't hate, like a lot of Dodgers' fans do, but he certainly seems to be an irritant. Oh, and he's been god awful with the bat this year after a career year in 2011. So glad we gave away actual players to acquire him. Yadier Molina's bat, on the other hand, has really perked up in the last year or so and has aided in his 2012 campaign thus far checking in at a 6.5 WAR campaign. If "Gloves" seems like a weird thing for Topps to promote, it's only weird because you're seeing it without the below partner in crime.

Adrian Gonzalez needs to start hitting with some amount of consistency. Preferably in 2013 and beyond. Ryan Zimmerman is a guy I've always liked, and this is my second relic of his. I'm still in need of an auto. Jimmy Rollins....meh. That 2007 MVP should have gone to David Wright. Or any of like six other guys not named Jimmy Rollins.

Back to the title though. Through the magic of Ned Colletti's Bright Ideas, this card went from my favorite Dodger and five dudes to half of these gentlemen donning Dodger Blue. I'm apathetic to the whole trade thing, really.

Regardless, my first true Matt Kemp booklet - and booklet of any kind, with the exception of a mini Kemp/Justin Upton T206 booklet - for the price of a blaster? Yes please, and it's numbered 22/27 to boot. Click to embiggen to get a better look at the whole thing as one, since this card displayed on this blog, in the way I have it set up, just appears far too insignificant. The scan above is the seller's, which is cool, because my concern at the moment is finding a way to both house and display the card at the same time, if at all possible. I feel like I've seen one-touches/screwdowns big enough to hold the card while it's open. I think....

Trade With Cardboard Heaven: Weaver, Seager, and In Which I Trade For Another Giants' Auto.

I completed my fifth trade with Cam from Cardboard Heaven. You can refresh your memory on the first here, second here, third here, and fourth here. Cam and I had been working on this trade for a while - the delay was on me - and though it took some time to complete, it ended up being another great deal. First up, a sweet Jered Weaver Team USA jersey swatch.

I love the photo Upper Deck used. #MERICA.

Cam surprised me with a second Weaver relic, which is much appreciated. I love me some Ginter.

I was very pleased to find the above in Cam's trade bait, and quickly requested it. It's only my third Seager card, to go along with a base card from a Team USA box set and a blue parallel USA relic I posted on a while ago. High hopes for the young man, I have.

And finally, something that will be to the horror of my fellow Dodgers' bloggers and friends. Yes, I traded once again for a San Fran autograph. Numbered 146/700, it's my first Matt Cain auto, and while I'm no Giants' fan, I do appreciate talent no matter the team it suits up for, and Cain is quite talented. He went from pitching beyond his peripherals for a stretch to being an excellent pitcher, and while I may not keep this forever, I was happy to acquire it in the present.

Thanks for another great trade Cam!

Bill Plaschke Hitting On Women Is Massively Comical.

It's been some time since I checked up on the namesake of this blog and focused my energies on one William Shakespeare Homer Plaschke. I totally missed this one originally when it was featured on ATH's Facebook page, but pre-show Bill Plaschke attempted to charm the pants-suit off of Basketball Hall of Famer and fellow Around The Horn personality Jackie MacMullan. MacMullan is married. With kids. Hilarity ensued, pure and unadulterated.

Awkward? Check. Out of the blue? Check. Uncomfortable? Check. Creepy? You better damn believe it. A Boston radio station summed it up perfectly regarding the divorced (I think) Argyled One: "Around The Horny."

Bill's face just screams - well, it screams a lot of things. To Catch A Predator is the first thing that comes to mind, followed closely and quickly by creepy, pervy, and "when you see him at night and nobody's around, go the other way and run the hell out of there as fast as you can, cause his chubby KFC-like self isn't going to be able to catch you and chloroform you into his van"-y. Hide yo kids, and hide yo wife, Mr. MacMullan.

This picture must go viral. I hate memes (unless we're talking about Faith Hilling), but this is oh so tempting.

Please Read! A Vital Koufax Auto Beckett Contest Update: A Question of Morals.

So this contest took a turn for the unpredictable and the way past gray area. I went to bed Saturday night ahead by a handful of votes, and awoke to a deficit of 15ish or so. I left to play kickball/football with some friends, and returned home to find that both of my competitors had gained hundreds of votes within a few hours. As I'm writing this, the guy who would go to Bieber concerts for life has gained about 530ish votes in just one day, and the other guy about 600 votes.

And Bieber guy is actually paying for those votes. (click above to embiggen)

To top it off, Beckett won't be doing anything about it. Below is a Twitter conversation I had with Chris Olds, editor of Beckett Baseball Magazine, about the situation.

Yeah, it's only a Koufax auto, right? Who cares if a guy cheats to get it; let fate take me on its mighty wings to victory! Which actually reminds me of a line in one of my favorite songs: "I would wait here for fate, but it's conveniently late." Anyways, follow the "he's paying for them" link and you'll find he's offering people money to vote for him, and received at least 50 votes from one person. The profile name on the above linked site matches his Twitter handle, so I know it's him. And using simple logic, how else would a guy with under 30 followers and no blog gain such a substantial amount of votes in just one day?

I have no idea how the other Greg gained his hundreds of votes, but I have no proof of vote-buying or some sort of automated program that votes, so I say kudos (I guess, he did gain like a hundred plus votes right before midnight) to him for not doing what the other dude did. That's a clown tactic, bro.

The crazy thing is that there's actually a loophole to vote more than once per day. It's in that gray area, and I feel unsure of whether it's morally wrong, but with one guy buying votes, my moral compass has spun a bit, as you might imagine. Basically, in either Firefox or Internet Explorer, use the Private Browsing tool and type in Beckett in the url area, find the Koufax Contest post, and vote time and time again using this method for each vote. I'm literally hundreds back after Sunday's shenanigans, so I can use all of the Card Blogging help that friendship - and not money - can buy.

I won't begrudge anyone who can find some time to do so, because I certainly won't lay down to a blatant cheater.

I left this comment in the original contest post on Beckett; I doubt whomever moderates such things will ultimately allow it.

I’d like to thank Chris Olds and Beckett for the opportunity and wish my two fellow contestants good luck!

And Ryan, I think you have every right to be in the contest. But I think the fact that you’re legitimately buying votes is in really poor taste.

Just my two cents.

I truly stand behind each and every word. I have no problem with the "Bieber Guy" being a finalist, but vote-buying is deplorable. If I lose, well, it would of course suck, but I could live with losing to someone who was able to drum up support through friends, family, co-workers, etc. Losing to someone that bought their vote and thus bought the prize? Shadiness.

My question for everybody is simple: do you find it morally wrong for anyone voting for me to vote as many times per day as possible while taking advantage of that loophole I described, especially considering one guy is actually buying votes?

I personally feel it is morally wrong - or at the least too gray of an area that I would prefer to avoid completely - but at the risk of falling thousands of votes behind, I don't see there being much of an alternative.

I very much would like to hear everyone's answer, whether that answer is pro or con or anywhere in between.

A Bad eBay Experience Is The Kevin Love Stomp To My Luis Scola

To be fair, if you throw a ball at my nether regions (intentionally or unintentionally), I might not care whether I step on your face or not. I digress. I've been fortunate to have very few bad eBay experiences, but this is one of those few. I spotted a pair of Kevin Love rookie cards, felt the price was more than fair, and took down the auction - as the sole bidder - for $4.99 delivered. The cards were scanned in screwdowns, so I thought they might arrive that way, though that wasn't a deal maker or breaker. Then the cards made it to my humble abode. cincinnati5, you should be ashamed of yourself, to quote this blog's namesake, William Shakespeare Plaschke.

My Love Collection was sorely lacking in the rookie department, and the above, poorly cropped scan which I took directly from the auction enticed me into buying the pair. They arrived, and I opened the bubbler to discover a number of disheartening things. First, no screwdowns, but that is the least of my complaints. More unpleasant was that the cards absolutely reeked of cigarettes, as if the seller had been storing the cards inside of an actual cigarette. I had to remove the cards from their penny sleeves and toploaders and air them out for days. Literally days. But the worst part of it all is that the Bowman RC had a clear and major ding in the upper left-hand corner.

It doesn't show up as well in the cropped scan as I had hoped, but that corner is quite dinged. I quickly messaged the seller, informed him that his "Mint" listing was in fact wildly inaccurate, and asked for a full refund. He didn't seem all that surprised that the card was damaged, issuing a simple "sorry overlooked that" statement (I paraphrased his response, but that was the gist of it) before saying he would only refund me if I returned the cards. A statement which I have a MAJOR problem with.

Now yes, I could PWE the cards and send them back, but there's no guarantee the guy refunds me, and he'll in all likelihood just re-sell the cards. My biggest problem is that as a seller, it's your job to make sure your customer is satisfied. Had the Victor Cruz autograph I sold been dinged, I would have fully refunded the buyer's money and let him keep the card because the mistake would be mine. Why would I put the buyer through more effort and more time when the mistake doesn't reside with him in the least? Plus, the only way to guarantee the cards make it back to him is with delivery confirmation, which would require a bubbler and thus be more than a stamp. I'd actually lose money on the deal, end up with no cards, and have wasted more time than I'd like to waste.

I do understand the seller's point to an extent, and maybe I've just been spoiled by the great eBayers who have messed up a transaction in the past and simply refunded me without making me go through the hassle of returning the cards, because it was their mistake. I don't know, it's just something that really bothered me. Is it worth the two and a half bucks I lost on the one damaged card to make a fuss of it with eBay? No, unless I could be guaranteed they'd side with me, but I can't. So I'll simply never buy from cincinnati5 again.

It's transactions like these that lead to a massive amount of people detesting eBay with a passion, and seeing sellers as out to do nothing but make a buck off of the hobby we all love. There's nothing wrong with a seller trying to profit, or looking out for his or her own benefit, but there is such a thing as good customer service and admitting to your mistake before doing what it takes to rectify said mistake. Maybe I'm the only customer cincinnati5 has ever lost, but if I were more of a seller on the Bay - and I intend to sell more this year than the one item I've previously ever sold - I'd be doing all I could to build up a strong base of customers.

As We Enter The New Year of 2012, I've Realized That People Find Our Blogs In The Strangest Ways.

I check each and every day to see which posts people find interesting, which generate the most traffic, where that traffic originates from, and what phrases - when Googled - lead people to PTSIA. It's a fun exercise, kills a bit of time, and often leads to some puzzling findings. Such as what two people were looking for before finding my small corner of the internet on this most recent of Tuesdays.

Many of those search keywords are not a shock to me in the least. Erin Hawksworth, Al Rosen, Chase Utley, and the blog's name are all very reasonable, and in the case of Hawksworth and Rosen, staples to the very core of the Plaschke Principle Values. It's that one odd phrase amongst the normalcy, however, that still has me shaking my head. "CLONE FETISH".

Seriously? Erin Hawksworth Fetish, I could totally see. But two people have clone fetishes, and Google thinks my blog represents that. Damn. I'm offended by Google (though I'll never turn down more eyes checking out my musings) because they can't fix the follow function or the Manage Blogs function, down for over two months now, but they can send people to my blog through somewhat creepy fetishes.

Techies. Jeez.

Erin and I would like to wish all of you a very Happy New Year!

Trade With '"O" No!!! Another Orioles Blog: It's Albert Pujols, Of Course I'm Interested.

I completed my second trade with Ryan of '"O" No!!! Another Orioles Blog. It was a simple one for one swap. He posted some card show bait, and I bit quickly on the relic you'll soon see below, sending an Eddie Murray hit Ryan's way.

I don't actively seek out Albert Pujols relics - save for the occasional eBay search - but when I see 'em available and I can grab it, I do. This makes Pujols relic number five, and this particular relic is numbered 098/100 and features a very colorful red swatch. It marks the first of my three Pujols jersey swatches that has any color to it.

I love that Upper Deck is as specific about the origins of this piece of Pujols' jersey as can be. Also, they went back three years to grab this piece of an All-Star event-worn jersey, as the red swatch is from 2001 and the card is from 2004 UD Reflections.

Thanks for the swap Ryan, I'll have yours in the mail soon! Oh, and Pujols as a Dodger....a man can dream, can't he?

Bill Plaschke Used Argyle To Impress A Woman

That sounds like the plot to a really bad Cinemax movie, right? Except it's as real as something that's really really real.

I took this video at some point in 2010. For those who may have wondered previously why my blog's name is what it is, Plaschke wore argyle for a good amount of time on Around The Horn. I mentioned it in my second ever post, back in August of 2009. I could never find video of him wearing it though, or a picture.

But now, I have more proof than I ever wanted to have. Especially since I think Bill's married. I may not know a lot about women, but I know enough to know that impressing one takes more than a stylish argyle sweater, worn on an afternoon sports talk show where Bill makes a daily ass out of himself.

Watch below and judge old William for yourself.

Mediocre video recording skills for the win!

Though the video is from an episode many many months back, it took me forever to figure out how to upload to it YouTube (yes, I'm technologically slow), and then I got severely backlogged on posts. But better late than never, especially when it's this embarrassing and about a truly horrible writer like Bill Plaschke. Paragraphs are more than a sentence long. And those that aren't should be few and far between in any piece of prose. Not 27 out of 27 "paragraphs".

There you have it. An origins tale, if you will. And a damn good excuse to rip a hack at the same time.

Oh, and speaking of incredibly embarrassing videos of The Argyled One:

This Is NOT Matt Kemp

Matt Kemp, my favorite Dodger, has taken a lot of heat this season: from Ned Colletti, from Joe Torre, from fans, and from members of the media.

Now, even Yahoo has jumped in on the dog pile with it's caption of this old photo of James Loney.

Yahoo, some advice: Matt Kemp is ten times the player James Loney could ever hope to be, so please, do a better job next time. I'm a big fan of yours Yahoo Sports, I know you can do better!

Pitcher Pitches Against Own Team, Dominates

I've always believed Tommy Hanson was a fantastic pitcher, but hot damn, he's so good he's allowed to pitch against his own team, and he shuts 'em down with ease.

Tommy Hanson: Modern Day Beast and do-everything pitcher.

CLICK TO EMBIGGEN BOTH IMAGES

And while we're on the subject of Yahoo FAIL, let's take a gander at a blurb on the player page of Tigers outfielder and Santa Monica native Brennan Boesch:

Livan has a "tantalizing assortment of pitches"? Really now. This is the same Livan Hernandez who has a 4.45 career FIP? Damn Yahoo, and to think I respected you more than ESPN all of these years.

/I still do, which really says more about how awful ESPN is on a day-to-day basis.


Previously on Yahoo Sports FAILS:

Jeff Mathis Needs To Tan Less

Blake DeWitt Could Be Heading To The Minors

When Rafael Furcal returns, we could very well see Blake DeWitt sent down to AAA, instead of the obvious choice of Nick Green. Don't believe me? Here are Joe Torre's words, which obviously carry a lot of weight:

"Got Green, who came up, or DeWitt, who has an option," Torre said. "DeWitt's done ... well, no question, just a matter of what road do you want to take in the immediate future? ... Please don't take the ball and run with this on this one."

Well Joe, if you don't want people taking the ball and running with it, don't float an entirely idiotic, ridiculously stupid idea out into the media firestorm that would obviously follow. Who cares if we lose Nick Green? I mean really, Nick Green? The same Nick Green who is 31 years old; has no upside; no room for growth; is a horrid offensive player; nothing special defensively at second base, where he would almost certainly see most of his playing time with Furcal back and DeWitt sent down (career UZR/150 of 0.9 at 2B); and has .307 career OBP? This Nick Green is worth keeping? Color me dumbfounded and utterly shocked.

Shocked that Nick Green is considered valuable, not shocked that it's the Dodgers that see value in keeping Nick Green, in keeping this type of over-the-hill, never good to begin with player, over a younger player with significantly more upside, who also happens to be playing significantly better now to begin with.

Blake DeWitt is young, can play 2 positions (third base especially well), and has potential, upside, and room to grow. Entering Saturday's game (in which he had a 2-run triple), he had a .359 OBP, and hasn't even been hitting the ball as well as we know he's capable of.

Nick Green is horrible, plain and simple. This isn't even a decision. Green's demotion, which could result in him returning to AAA if he clears waivers, or his loss if another team claims him, should be a matter of when, not if. It should be an unquestioned inevitability.

I'm going to give the Dodgers the benefit of the doubt and say that when Furcal returns, Green will be DFA'd and DeWitt will stay. But if Green is kept over DeWitt, the pattern of awful decisions by the Dodgers will have continued, in perhaps previously unseen idiocy.

Shake Weight, Bringing Innuendo To A Whole New Level

Yes, I do have the mind of a 12-year-old. So what, wanna fight about it?

The 7-second to 15-second time period is entirely too disturbing, given the joke my mid mind makes whenever I see this commercial.

Joe Torre Rumor

The NSFW kind of rumor, courtesy of the always entertaining Deadspin.

I'd explain the rumor, but I really just want to forget I ever read the story. True or not, that's an image I don't need.

Ever.

Dodgers Sign Garret Anderson To Minor League Deal

Dylan Hernandez and Jon Heyman Tweet the details: $550,000 base salary if he makes the team, and he can opt out of the deal if he doesn't crack the major league roster.

My previous thoughts when this was just a rumor can be found here.

Didn't like it then, don't like it now, even with the minimal risk. These are the Los Angeles Dodgers, right? Seems to me we're trending towards becoming the AARP Dodgers.

Of course, the big risk is that if he does make the team, he'll be a net negative, what with his general suckiness and the fact that he'll be taking away playing time from better, younger players.

Brian Giles? It Just Never Ends

The Dodgers have signed Brian Giles - Brian Giles?!?! - to a minor league, 1-year deal. Invitation to Spring Training included.

I really don't know what to say anymore, and I've stopped guessing what the hell Ned Colletti is trying to do. My initial thought: Xavier Paul, Brian Barton, Jason Repko, Reed Johnson.

Giles, 39 and a native of El Cajon, CA, has played for 15 seasons, splitting time between Cleveland, Pittsburgh, and San Diego.

The career numbers are actually quite impressive: .400 OBP, .502 SLG %, 136 OPS+. The man knows how to take a walk. All of this would have been great, if not for the fact that he's 39. Oh, and he may have beat his girlfriend, while pregnant, causing her to miscarry. Lovely.

Kris Benson Pitches, Somehow Draws Alleged Interest From Dodgers

According to John Paul Morosi of FOXSports.com (and via MLB Trade Rumors) Kris Benson will draw interest from the Dodgers because they missed out on Ben Sheets.

I was vocal in my support for a Ben Sheets signing here and on other Dodger sites, but Benson can stay far far away from the friendly confines of Chavez Ravine. Hell, I'd pay him (with someone else's money of course) to not sign here.

Benson, 35 and a former number one overall pick by the Pirates in 1996, has pitched 8 seasons, piling up 1229 and 2/3rds innings between Pittsburgh, the Mets, Baltimore, and Texas. He did not throw a pitch in a major league game in 2001, 2007, or 2008. He has a 4.53 career FIP while only striking out 5.84/9 IP and walking 3.18/9 IP.

Of course with Kris Benson does come his better half, wife Anna Benson, well known around his five previous stops, I'm sure.

And it probably doesn't say much about your on-field talent when more than half of the images on the first page from a Google Image Search are of your wife.

Oh, and look who's catching Benson in the photo. I bet Mike Piazza would say no to Kris Benson.

Dodgers Rumored To Be Seeking Relationship With One Garret Anderson

Tim Brown Tweets the Dodgers are interested in ancient, washed-up former Angel Garret Anderson, "among others", as the possible number four OFer.

Let's make this simple and get to the point:

1.) NO (career .326 OBP, .465 SLG %, .791 OPS, 104 OPS+).
2.) Xavier Paul, Brian Barton, and Jason Repko are still alive.

Dodgers Sign Pair To Minor League Deals

Russ Ortiz and Michael Restovich have been picked up off of the scrap heap by Ned Colletti, signing minor league deals. Both have received invitations to Spring Training.

Ortiz will be 36 in June, and has pitched for San Francisco, Atlanta, Arizona, Baltimore, and Houston. Restovich, 31 and an OF, has played for Minnesota, Colorado, Pittsburgh, the Cubs, and Washington.

Ortiz has a career FIP of 4.68 over 11 major league seasons, while striking out 6.45/9 IP and walking 4.65/9 IP. He did not appear in a major league game in 2008, and has also pitched for the minor league affiliates of Colorado and the Yankees. And if you think he's only here for the postseason, well, his numbers get even more pretty to look at: a 4.96 FIP and a 1.73 WHIP (click "Show Postseason" on the above link).

If Ortiz pitches for the Dodgers in a major league game, he will hurt the team. Plain and simple, he will only do damage. Pitching is an organizational strength, so Ortiz should not even sniff the majors.


Restovich has a career .313 OBP and .377 SLG% over 297 plate appearances, spread over 6 seasons. He last appeared in a major league game in 2007 and proceeded to produce and OPS+ of -6. Yes, that's a negative sign in front of what would otherwise have been a very, very manly OPS+ of 6.

Restovich is easily behind Xavier Paul, Brian Barton, and Jason Repko in terms of reserve OFs. I would also put him behind every other minor league OF in the organization, and I can only name a handful off of the top of my head. He's minor league depth, simply put; at least he should be if Colletti and Torre are smart.